The construction site was average-sized. But when you walk past the tall metal fence gate this average-sized site becomes a whole other world with its own atmosphere. When you walk into this construction site the path you walk on is hot from the beaming rays of the sun. The path was also rough and bumpy when you glide your hand against it. The path was also made of a blackish-grey colored asphalt. But when you walk off this blackish-grey asphalt path you see a construction lot filled with brown and green. The ground of this construction site was filled with patches of different sizes and types of bushes and light brown dirt with white rocks mixed into it. The bushes were of different sizes. There were small, thin, rough, light green bushes and there were also small, full, silky to the touch bushes in this lot. But the atmosphere of the average-sized construction site is different from the atmosphere of the road and the apartment complex that stand behind the metal fence that separates them. The atmosphere of this construction site was simple but filled with complex things. This construction site was not busy but open. This construction site had a peaceful atmosphere because of all the different types of nature and insects that lived in and amongst it. From the inside of this construction site, you could hear the speeding cars and turning wheels of the bicyclists that are on the other side of the metal fence gate. But the sounds of the cars and the bicyclists were not the only sounds that you could hear from the inside of this construction site. You can hear the sound of the buzzing AC unit that connects to the trailer that sits by the far left of the fence that separates the site from the school that stands on the far left of the other side of the fence and the tailor. You could also hear the sounds of the birds chirping and the bees buzzing as they fly through the site and you can feel the cool breeze that carried the smell of fresh air.
Its the day of the grand opening of the school that sits on the same lot that I have just described:
The construction site was not a construction site anymore; it is now a high school. The peaceful open construction site is not open anymore. However, the atmosphere of this school that sits on the same land that the site sat on does not have the same atmosphere. The school's size was massive. It was constructed to be shaped with different shapes and sizes. It had squares and half-circles and triangles shaped into it. The school had a ton of windows. It had a whole half-circular wall of windows built into it. The school's walls were different colors; they were light blue, dark blue and white. These colors made the school feel and made you think of the waves of the ocean. The school also had different types of trees and bushes located on the outside of the school. They were located all around the school and at the edges of the pathway that leads to the school. There were tall rough to the touch palm trees and small stubby palm trees too. There were thin sharp light green bushes and small full green bushes. The pathway that leads to the school was made of bricks. The bricks that the pathway were made of were light brown, light orange, and white. The bricks were rough to the touch but had a white powdery substance on them. The sounds you could hear were the birds chirping from all around you. You could also hear the buzzing of the bees that flew by and the chatter of all the people that were excited to see the outside and the inside of the finished product of the school. Every single person was excited to finally step foot into the school. There were all types of excited people. There was a sea of different sizes and ages and genders and nationalities of people. All these different types of people made the energy and made you feel cared for and made you feel safe inside the walls of the school. The only thing that stayed the same from both the construction site and the school was the breeze that smelled like fresh air.
Amelia, first of all - read this in Scalia's voice - NO PARAGRAPHS? I'm disappointed in you bro. A big part of the grading rubric is to be organized and make sure you're focused in your purpose, but having no paragraphs becomes distracting when it seems like the story continues indefinitely. Your blog is probably band 4 or band 5 just because right off the bat it is super repetitive. You say "it looked like ____" like 4 times in a row and then say "it sounded like ____" a bunch right after. I do like your ending sentence connection, saying that it still smelled like fresh air, because with 2 contrasting pieces, its also good to look at what has stayed the same.
ReplyDeleteHi
ReplyDeleteWhen reading your blog, I found that you had very few grammar and punctuation mistakes. Not enough to put you down to as band five or four. I liked your way of describing your atmosphere but felt you could have added a bit more to your blog. Overall you met the word count and will consider you on a high band 3.
Amelia, Your blog seems all over the place and when there is no paragraphs it makes it even harder to read. To start you say things like "the atmosphere," and "it looks" but when you are writing using description and you are using your five senses you need to incorporate and integrate your five senses into the blog you can not directly state them. Not having paragraphs in really killing your writing because it is not organized and makes it extremely hard to read. Along with the repetition throughout the blog about the same things. So for these reasons I would have to rate your blog a band 6.
ReplyDeleteOrganization was the first thing I noticed in this blog because of the total of only 2 paragraphs. The first component to a successful piece of writing is its organized structure, not a bunch of words crammed together in the same paragraph. I also felt that you didn’t use enough imagery or description in your surroundings. You may have used little amounts but you could have made it so much more emotional and in depth. Band 6
ReplyDeleteHey Amelia,
ReplyDeleteI think I can say on behalf of everyone the first thing we notice was the structure. It's not a hard thing to fix, just the next blog you do, put paragraphs (it's okay I'm pretty sure I did the same thing lol). Also, I would work on your word choice (the diction). I couldn't quite picture it in my head as much as I wanted to. Your organization needs just a little work, it didn't quite stick to the prompt the entire time, you had a few run ons, and I believe you also repeated a sentence more than once in your blog, so watch out for that as well. So now for the positives, you had barely any grammatical mistakes, spelling errors, and you met the word count. I would say your blog was a band 4.
Hey Amelia, I like the idea you had within this blog. I understood what you were going for here but the style of writing used is choppy and doesn't flow well as a whole within the writing. The sentence structure doesn't have much variety, which makes it difficult for the reader to feel as though they are immersed in the location that you are describing. To explain what I mean, you wrote, "The construction site was average-sized... When you walk into this construction site the path you walk on is hot from the beaming rays of the sun." where as you could have written, " The tall metal gate towered the construction site's edge. I walked thick concrete path that stretched in its direction as the scorching rays of sun cooked the skin on my neck and dried the sweat that had accumulated on my face," this give the reader a detailed image of the character in the story, it also touches upon the feeling the reader has felt as I bet they have been in the same situation.
ReplyDelete