I never would have thought this day would come;the last day of senior year. From the first day of high school I was afraid. Afraid that I would not accomplish anything in school and that I was going to be a failure and not graduate. But now that I am standing here, on this glorious stage in front of my friends, family, teachers that have supported me and my coaches that have pushed me past my limits to show that I can do anything, I now realize that I can do anything that I can dream of and that I am not the failure that I thought I was. Ever since I was a kid I have moved from one school to the next because of "problems'' that I have experienced. But throughout my high school journey I have found a place that I can call home. A place that has supported me and helped me grow as a person and become smarter than I ever was.
From 9th grade through 10th grade I was at Barron Collier High School. A place where I knew everybody in all my classes because I went to middle school with them. But even though the people that I still consider to be my family are at Barron Collier, I still believe that that place was not the right place for me and did not feel like home. During 9th grade, I was known as the eccentric loud girl that was rarely at school but kept her grades up. I was never in school because I felt like I never belonged. I would bounce from click to click trying to find where I would fit. I struggled to learn english and math. I was in both intensive english and intensive math all throughout middle school. I remember during sophomore year, that I cried during geometry because I did not understand how to solve this one simple math problem. Not one soul in that classroom, not the teacher nor the students around me, helped me or taught me how to figure it out. It was hard trying to learn a simple math problem by yourself with no one to help you.
However, that all changed the summer of 2019. During my junior year and senior year I was no longer a Barron Collier cougar. I was now a Marco Island Academy Ray. The first day of junior year I remember being scared out of my mind because I did not know anyone and I remember being sad because I had left the people that I considered to be my family. But deep down in my empty cobwebbed filled mind I knew that this was good for me. From the beginning of junior year to the end I excelled far more than I had ever dreamed of. One of my teachers told me one day that “ I was a success story.” He also said that “ I excelled so far from where I was at the beginning of this year.” This one statement proved to me that I am not as stupid as I thought I was. From junior year to the end of senior year I proved to every teacher and every person that called me a failure and put me in intensive classes that they were wrong.
Out all the schools I went to and studied at this one school showed me that I was not the girl that every single person in my school life thought I was. At this one tiny school I was able to do and accomplish more then I ever was able to at all these big schools. Here I was able to join the basketball team, the student government association, the interact club and even the youth council. And I know some people might say that if I could go back in time, back to the beginning of freshman year, and change the school I went to I would but, to be frankly honest with you I wouldn’t. The reason why I say this is because out of all the good and the bad experiences, out of the fights and struggles and crying I learned and grew as a person. All of these bad experiences have made me prepared for this very day and all the days after.
From 9th-12th grade I have accomplished becoming a better learner, knowing my strengths and weaknesses and helping with winning a basketball game with my team. My basketball coach once told me that “ you can do anything you dream of doing on the court if you have your head up.” This one quote made me a some what better basketball player but it also made me more confident in myself at home and at school. From every forgotten homework to every time I stepped out of my comfort zone I have accomplished and grown so much. So I thank all of you, my family that have been there since day one, my friends, the ones that I have losted and left behind to the new ones that I have made, to my teachers that have helped be grow and become smart, to my coaches that have pushed me and taught me that I can do anything that my blank mind has imagined if I keep my head held high, and to my principal that has guided me and seen me grow.
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteThe goal of this blog was to create a feeling of sadness and accomplishment, an aim that you satisfied completely. Even though I have never had to move schools and make new friends in the process, your writing made me feel what it felt like to go through that experience. Even so, there were just a few things that you could have elaborated upon to enhance your "voice," as well as some grammar mistakes. In light of this, I will give your blog a Band 2.
I know that you reached the maximum word limit, so I think that to create some space for elaboration, you could meld the third and fourth paragraphs into one, as they generally have a similar flow and related themes of personal growth and new experiences. Once the space is created, I would have really liked to hear more about the role models that you mentioned in the last paragraph. I may be slightly biased because my dad is the basketball coach, but I felt like that last paragraph was the most influential and pivotal in the entire blog. By including more quotes or exact examples about the people important to you, it would have made the ending of your writing even more effective. Other than that, there were just a few grammar mistakes (missing commas, some issues with quotes) that you could fix with a quick read-through.
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this blog. A speech like this is supposed to be very personal to evoke emotions upon listeners, a thing that you did that well. Keep up the good work.
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your blog, I have come to the conclusion that your blog is a high Band 3. You followed the prompt very well, creating feelings of sadness then transitioning to feelings of accomplishment. You did this by talking about how you were leaving your "family" at Barron Collier, then you talked about growing as a better learner and basketball player. You did a very good job of doing this.
However, I believe the one thing that's holding you back from a Band 1/2 is that you have a few sentences missing commas and issues with quotes. Sometimes the absence of a comma did throw me off and make me think of how you meant the sentence.
Overall, I think your blog was well-written and I enjoyed reading it. The only thing you can do is fix your grammar mistakes, other than that, good job and keep it up.
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteTo start off with the prompt and how well you followed it, I would say you followed it very well, especially when it came to the sadness and accomplishment part. One thing I would say would be to just elaborate on how perseverance has effected your high school experience.
Moving onto the content of your blog, I think you did a good job, especially with the structure. There were a few grammar mistakes though and the article did not flow as well as it could have if these mistakes were fixed. I think your diction and the way you described your experience in high school was very good however and benefited your blog greatly. Overall, I would give your blog a high band 3.
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteI think this overall was a very good blog. I think your structure, organization, and focus was all pristine, and I only saw a few grammar mistakes. I think you should spend more time talking about the your personal experiences. According to the rubric, I think you have a consistent focus, a clear structure, and a quality sense of voice. I also think that you effectively achieved some different styles of language that overall helped with the flow of the paper. I do think that your grammatical errors took away from your voice, so based off of these reasons, I would give you a band 3. You had a very good blog, but I think it could be much better with some better vocabulary and minimizing grammar mistakes. The content was great, but if you fixed those small mistakes, it would be even better. Great work!
Amelia,
ReplyDelete#1, why are your comments so big it physically hurts me.
#2, good job.
It is a great idea to write about what you know, and the fact that your experience at this school had such a large impact on you probably made it much easier to write. Just be careful when you write with that kind of mindset or else you might end up missing things. Such as certain tones in the prompts or maybe even add something that is unnecessary. In this case, you were lacking in the sadness directed towards the soon to be loss of the peers that meant so much to you.
As for grammar, you have missing commas and sometimes words that sound write butt r knot the correct ones. For example, "I would bounce from click to click..." when the correct word is clique.
Overall, you wrote a great piece that was an enjoyable read but due to some things lacking from the prompt and grammatical errors, your blog would most likely get a mid band 4.
I hope to see an even further improvement of grammar and structure to blow me away.