As I got closer, all I found was a bag that belonged to Ben Boss. When I saw the name Ben Boss embroidered on the outside of the dirty, old camo foague bag my heart sank. My heart began to beat faster and faster and my eyes began to water every time my eyes scanned over that name. Everything around me, the silky green grass that was underneath my black and white Nike sneakers, the rustling of the brownish greenish leaves of the tremendously large slash pine tree in the wind, the sound of the speeding cars on the road behind me, the heat, the baby blue color of the sky with white fluffy clouds and the yellow jeep that was parked in the parking lot behind the slash pine tree were gone and out of my vision. The only thing that was left was the bag, the humming of the pump control panel that was standing behind the bag and me.
The bag consumed everything around me. The sounds, the smells, the feeling of the wind, and time, they were all gone. Nothing was left. The only thing that mattered at that point in time was the name Ben Boss and his bag. That name looked familiar and sounded familiar when I said it out loud. All I knew was that it had to mean something. The gears in my head were turning. They were trying to figure out why this name scares me and where do I know this name from. Was that name in a drug abuse pamphlet at the mall or was Ben Boss a student that went to my old school, Marvin Ridge High, in North Carolina? Whoever this person was I don't remember them but I know I am not going to give up. The gears in my head continued to turn until something pulled me. I lurched back from a strong force pulling me back. I turned around faster then a person could say " butter my biscuits." and when I turned around I saw a tall man. He was about 6'1 with brown short hair and had light brown eyes. He was wearing a floral button-down shirt with light tan cargo shorts and black flip flops. When he talked his voice had a smooth polite southern accent too it. When I turned around he asked me if I was alright and I politely told him yes I was fine but he didn't believe me. When I looked around I saw that the sun was not in the middle of the sky anymore. It was colder too, much colder and the sky wasn’t light blue anymore it was dark blue and it was raining now. I started to look around me and noticed that the yellow jeep that was parked in the parking lot behind the tremendously large slash pine tree was gone. When turned back to the strangely dressed fella that was behind me I asked him what time it was and his response made my heart drop even more then it did before. He said, "it's 5:35 ma'am." I realized I was standing looking at Ben Boss's bag in my hands for an hour and thirty minutes.
I started to become even more confused and scared. I started to ask myself "why did this bag put me in a trance and why is the name Ben Boss so important to me? and why can I not remember where I saw and heard this name before?" I started walking away from the man that pulled on me and started walking towards my dark red bike that was parked in the bike parking with Ben Boss’s bag in hand. And then it clicked. I knew every answer to my questions. I knew why this bag put me in a trance. I knew why the name Ben Boss was so important to me. I knew why I couldn’t remember that name. This bag, this name is from that night. The night of February 14, 2018. This was the night that changed my life forever.
Amelia, I really like the description you put into your story. I was able to visualize everything perfectly. I was a little confused when the man walked up because you made it seem like it was Ben Boss due to the description that was put into it. I also noticed several grammar and spelling errors but it was nothing big enough to effect your grade. It may have only been because you were typing it which won't be the case for the AICE test. Your suspense and drama were vivid throughout the entire story but were very faint. I wish it would've been something more than you sitting there with a bag for an hour trying to recollect who Ben was. It was a very boring story to read but had all of the required details.
ReplyDeleteOverall, I would give you a band three. Your writing started off very strong with the little details but I feel it lacked the suspense Scalia is looking for.
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I don't know why your first paragraph was double spaced and the rest wasn't, it was the first thing I saw. Against this, you won't have to worry about this on the actual test since we are writing it with pen and paper but it's something to look out for in the future. I feel as if your story was good, just not as suspenseful as it could be and you could have added small little things to make it just that much better. You had some smelling errors which I could understand still, but try to work on that. You didn't have much suspense, but when you did it was very good. I think you understood the topic very well and this was only your first one so keep it up.
Band 3
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteYour first paragraph was written really well. I loved your use of imagery and your detailed description of everything. This definitely made me interesting and curious as to what the story was about. However, during the second sentence I felt like you lost focus and forgot what the prompt was about. I didn't feel any suspense and I wasn't on the edge of my seat. I was a bit confused because I was unsure of where you were going and what your purpose was. I know that ending on a cliffhanger adds to the suspense, but your story didn't have suspense throughout so it didn't make any sense when you left it off like that. I wish you would have wrote about that in the second paragraph to give some backstory to what was going to happen. I see where you were going and you did have some suspense but it was very vague and, in other words, attempted. I also noticed some grammar errors but it was nothing too major. Overall, I would place you in a band 5 just because your lack of focus on the prompt really brought you down. Good job and keep improving. :)
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteTo start off, i'm not gonna lie this was a pretty good blog. Your description you used just pulls the reader in and makes them picture everything that's happening right in their head. I feel you could've added a bit more suspense with this writing piece, but there's always a next time. I believe this blog has a lot of potential and drew me in when reading this. If I would, I would give your blog a between a high band 4 to middle band 3. It was good, but lacked in areas with a few grammatical mistakes, but still is a great story overall.
Really great blog, I enjoyed reading this. Your attention to detail was spot on, especially in the first paragraph. I loved your attention to detail but overall, I feel like it was lacking in suspense-fulness which was part of the prompt. I also feel like the 1st paragraph was strong but the story gradually became weaker as you read. Always try to focus on having a strong beginning and ending because this is what the readers remember the most. Lastly, make sure you read through before submitting because there were multiple grammar errors. Overall though I would give it a band 4 due to your attention to detail but the lack of suspense brought you down. Good story, keep improving!
ReplyDeleteAmelia, overall I could see where you were trying to go with this but it became slightly confusing. The detail that you used was good and allowed the readers to picture what you were saying. I think that your last paragraph was the most suspenseful one, because honestly I feel like you could've included something else rather than just the character looking at the bag for the whole story. You caught my attention by saying that Ben Boss changed your life, because it made me wonder what had happened, but I wasn't extremely interested in the rest of the story since it felt like I was reading about the same thing for so long. There were some issues with capitalization, but overall I'd give you a Band 4 or low Band 3. Good job! There's room to keep improving.
ReplyDelete