It was 3:33 am when I slammed my car door shut and rushed into the Tennessee police station worried from what had happened 3 hours ago. When I got inside the police station I saw a tall, dark haired, brown eyed man in a police officers uniform sitting at the front desk. I rushed to the desk he was sitting at hoping to get his help but my legs would not move. I could not move no matter how hard I tried; I could not move and I could not say anything. Until I saw her face in my head and then it all came back to me; she came back to me. When I realized why I was there I could move again. So I rushed to his desk out of breath and still in shock.
When I got to him I said "I need to talk with the police chief please; I need to talk to my father." He did not acknowledge my presents because he was to busy watching Riverdale on his phone so I said it again and again and again. And each time I said this I got louder and louder until everyone in the room noticed me. Until he finally noticed me and started say something but he paused mid sentence when he saw the state I was in. I was sweaty and had tears running down my muddy and bloody face, my hair was a mess and had small twigs sticking out of it, and my clothes were ripped and had blood stains on them from the cuts that were underneath my clothes. When I noticed I had his attention I said,"My girlfriend Logan is missing and I need to talk to my father." And then everything went blank until I heard my father ask me in a concerned tone. "what happened 3 hours before now? What happened to Logan?" So I told him; everything.
Ecstatic; was the feeling I felt when my girlfriend Logan and I were on our way to the Elkmont campgrounds for our last hurrah with Darlah and her twin brother Toby. Logan and I got to drive in my busted baby blue 1967 Ford F-250 truck that my father gifted me on my 16th birthday. The only sounds that I heard on the way to Elkmont was the sound of Logan's phone getting texts from Darlah asking where we were. Darlah and Toby left 20 minutes before we left. "Of course Darlah and Toby are there before us." I said in a bitter tone. Logan laughed and smiled at the comment I stated. Logan then texted Darlah that we were on our way and we were only 5 minutes away from the campground.
5 minutes later we pulled into our campsite. When we pulled in and got out of my truck Darlah said, "It is about time you guys got here. I was starting to get the idea that you guys decided to ditch us." Logan and I laughed and we got busy setting up our camp gear after our 5 second chat. Toby and I decided to set up the tent which was like math; hard. After we got the tent set up and put all our stuff inside I decided that we should start making the fire since the sun was starting to go down. So we all looked for wood together and when we got back to our campsite the sun had already set and it was pitch black out. Toby volunteered to set up the fire since he had done it before.
We all sat around the beautiful dancing fire telling scary stories to freak Darlah out and we succeeded. And it all stopped when Darlah, Toby, and I had to go to the bathroom. But the closes bathroom was the pitch balck woods that we were surrounded by. So we took the flash light and walked through the woods for a couple minutes until we couldn’t hold it anymore. But, while I was going to the bathroom I heard footsteps by me getting louder and louder. I told myself that it was probably Darlah messing with me but soon I would realize it wasn't. When I finished going to the bathroom and started walking back to camp I heard Logan scream from the direction of camp so I rushed back worried and I could feel my heart pounding in my chest wondering why Logan screamed like that. When I got back to our camp it was torn apart. Darlah and Toby where still in the woods going to bathroom but their car was gone and Logan was no where to be found. Blood stained the ground and her stuff was still here. I know Logan would never leave us behind so I called her phone only to find it by the drivers side door of my truck and when I looked at my door my window was smashed and blood was dripping down the side of the door. I became even more worried. My heart began to beat faster and faster and I became alarmed and anxious. It was like my whole world came crashing down. I decided to scream her name hoping to get a reply but I got no answer. At this moment my worst fear became true. Logan was missing.
Hi Amelia,
ReplyDeleteOverall, I thought that your blog was very creative and properly fitting for the assignment. You adequately used a sense of suspense and mystery, however, I think you could have added more to make your writing even stronger.
Also, you need to make sure that you are watching out for your grammatical and technical errors as well as word choices. This could be harmful towards your grade especially since I noticed quite a few. One of the most common errors I saw was that you need to add hyphens between words like "brown-haired" or "mid-sentence" just to name a few. Also, I noticed that at times you used the wrong spelling for a word that sounds the same. For example you used "presents" instead of "presence".
I thought that your writing was very creative, and it had decent structure.
I would grade you a band 4 because your writing and structure were fairly decent, but the grammatical and technical errors pulled you down a bit.
If you pay closer attention to your grammar and technical mistakes I think you would be able to score at a higher band.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteAmelia,
ReplyDeleteI really like the storyline of your blog and I like the structure. You had a very imaginative approach to the task and you had a consistent sense of voice. The ending was very mysterious and suspenseful but I wish you added that suspense to the middle of the story - when you were arriving at the campsite and lighting a fire. Also, you had various technical errors that disrupted the main point you were trying to get across. For example, you used semi-colons/ commas incorrectly and you also had a couple spelling/grammatical errors throughout your blog. As for a specific example, you stated "So I told him; everything." This semi-colon should not have been used in this sentence. Instead, you could have worded it like "So, I told him everything."
Overall, I would give you a band three since you did a good job creating suspense and the structure of your blog was very good but you had quite a few technical errors. I also like that you had some sustained imagination.
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteYou had a consistent focus on the "missing" prompt with a relevant form of suspense. Your content was appropriate and showed you understood the topic. I think you understood your sense of audience and your consistent sense of voice reflected that. There was some sustained
imagination when you described the story of Logan going missing. You had a clear structure that fit the task of the prompt being asked, also you purpose was betrayed well as I understood it throughout reading your blog. Your language was appropriate, and there were descriptive pieces of your story, although there is room for more. There were a few technical inaccuracies that I saw while reading your blog, none that caused me to be too confused throughout your blog.
Band 3
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteThis blog started off well, but then proceeded to fall apart. The description in the first few paragraphs were on point, especially when describing yourself. Although I did find it a bit hard to try and empathize with the main character, as there was no showing of what gender they were. I find this important as when there is talking in a story, it makes it easier when trying to imagine and picture the scene. The final few paragraphs seem to take a while, as there were parts where description was not needed, but was given, and other where it was and not given. One example would be searching the forest for the bathroom. There could have been suspense put in here to help the story along. Overall I would give this blog a band 4.
Amelia,
ReplyDeleteI could tell you had several ideas spinning around your head. In your first paragraph, you had multiple run-on sentences, “I rushed to the desk he was sitting at hoping to get his help but my legs would not move. I could not move no matter how hard I tried; I could not move and I could not say anything” I suggest planning out your paragraphs so you keep them tight to have a clean structure. In my opinion, I did feel like you created a good sense of suspense or mystery. I felt like I knew exactly what was going to happen next. Furthermore, I noticed several grammatical errors. I suggest putting your paper into Grammarly, it shows you what you’re doing wrong, and how you fix it. On another note, you did, however, successfully have “Missing” as your title, which gives you one of the several checkmarks you had to complete, so good job for that! Overall, I would give you a band five. You had relevant form and content with some sense of audience and sense of voice. You also attempted some effect of language but, it was unclear at times.